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A friend of mine introduced me to “dry shampoo” today. It seems like a perfect product for the traveling actor who often drives 3-4 hours to get to an audition or makes the trip by bus. Showing up to audition for a commercial with “Bus Head” is not a good way to make a positive impression. Washing my hair in a sink is usually an option, but makes me look like a homeless guy when I do it in the bathroom next to the lounge in a hotel I am not staying in. You’re imagining it now, aren’t you?

I get to audition for a wide variety of products and services, some I use and many I don’t. So the dry shampoo made me think, if I was going to cast myself as a commercial spokesperson, who are the clients I would pick based on what I really use regularly? Then, once I get the gig, what is the first commercial I envision doing?

Greyhound

I’ve used Greyhound to travel to auditions a lot lately and had no problems. No lie.

In the imagined commercial for Greyhound, I am boarding the bus in downtown Houston. I find an open seat and promptly fall asleep. I wake up in Dallas and it’s a lot like Oz, the film version and not the TV series. I’m greeted by Tony Romo and all the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. A musical number on Lamar Street begins as homeless people from the bus station emerge and join the dancing cheerleaders.

Magellan Sportswear Backpack

This item is my BFF on the road. I even keep the good luck charm my daughter gave me inside it.

I see a spot where I’m on the run from Old West outlaws on horses. They’re dressed like bandits; I’m in my typical blue button-down shirt and khakis and riding a bicycle. Each time they get closer to catching me, I open the backpack and pull out items to slow then down, starting with a Rubix Cube and ending with a box containing an Ikea bookshelf. I’ll throw the instruction manual at them separately.

Monster Energy

The juice is my preference; I’ll buy 2 cans of Khaos on a road trip.

The fictional spot starts with me dropping off my daughter at school at 7:45 am, then opening a can of Monster. At that point, I’m seen traveling all over Houston, first pushing a METRORail train, skating circles around Tara Lipinski at The Galleria, showing Lyle Lovett some new tricks on a guitar at The Hobby Center, and finally at Minute Maid Park throwing a pitch to … myself and hitting it so hard it looks like a certain home run … until I grab the ball in mid-air as is about to land in the Crawford Boxes.

Okay, who’s first?

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